I never used to see the value in self-care as I thought it to be something optional and only for those who had the time and money to “waste” on it. It wasn’t just me, however, growing up this was never promoted as a necessity or even encouraged. It was always described as something nice to do or indulge in, but not considered as anything more. It wasn’t until my body started “showing its age,” and I experienced burnout from work, that I realized I had to take better care of myself.

I re-evaluated my initial thoughts on what self-care was, what it entails, and how to indulge in it without feeling guilty about it. I made the mistake of thinking it was just physical things, such as taking more naps, putting rose petals in my bubble baths, wearing perfume, exfoliating, and the like. Which was nice at first and I still do it, (though not as often) but as I kept exploring this I started to see that, this goes beyond taking long baths and spa dates. It’s an all-encompassing wellness movement, based on your needs, and the definition of this, changes with each person.

While getting over the initial thought process of me not taking this too seriously, I realized how resistant I was to allow myself to enjoy it. It started out with me “timing” myself with how long I spent in the shower after exfoliating and grooming. I would find myself overwhelmed, thinking about the laundry list of things I still had to do once I was done. Being preoccupied with that, instead of enjoying my rest. It didn’t hit me until I found myself getting stingy with myself about my own leisure time. I started dreading and pushing off my leisure time, in favor of doing something else I deemed a “better use” of my time. When weeks started going by before I did any self-care for myself again, is when I looked at myself in the mirror and asked “why is this so hard for me?” Why am I unable to relax?

That question lead me down a path of questioning my self-worth and how I saw myself. It was the first time I faced my latent and lingering insecurities from high school and my childhood. After peeling away every excuse I gave myself to not continue my self-care journey; I started tearing up as I came to my conclusion. I don’t believe I deserve it. I don’t believe I deserve to indulge in this for myself. What for? What benefit would it give me? I’m single anyway, who do I have to impress?

It was at that moment that I came to the realization that I attached certain activities to special categories and felt like if I didn’t meet those criteria for that, I had no reason for participating in them. I associated self-care with luxury, upper-class, well-to-do rich activity. Since I’m not there (yet), I figured I couldn’t afford to indulge in that yet. While unraveling these thoughts, I discovered the real reason why I was wholesale avoiding it. I didn’t want to think. Think about things that were bothering me and brought up hurt feelings that I never addressed.

See that was the thing, right there. Self-care requires you to sit still long enough to think about things. While tending to your own maintenance, you run the risk of your mind wandering. It doesn’t always have to go to a negative place, but if you have underlying things you haven’t addressed, they will come up, eventually. Allowing myself to finally face these feelings made me realize how toxic my insistence on always being busy, really is.

There’s a difference between being busy and being productive. It’s very easy to be “busy”, as there’s always something to do. It’s not hard to keep yourself busy with something. But being productive requires you to be intentional about your time and what you make yourself busy with. It requires you to start and finish something and keep track of your progress while being busy in an endless cycle of you just doing stuff. You can be mindless about it as it doesn’t require you to keep score of anything, just requires you to be constantly moving.

I was keeping myself busy to avoid dealing with these feelings. It was painful and had no idea what to do as a solution to it. So I ran, emotionally. I delayed things that I had to do, purposely, as it kept my mind in a constant state of “catch-up”, so I could focus on all the things I had to do, and never give myself the chance to address what I needed to. It worked for a while, but I realized I couldn’t run anymore. So that day I took a good look at myself in the mirror and told myself that I need to stop hiding. Though choosing to face what I was running from was painful, it made me all the better after coming out on the other side of it. If you ever find yourself in this mental space as well, here are a few ways to get through it.

Prioritize your self-care time– Like anything else that’s important to you, you have to make the time for it. I’ve been more intentional with making this a habit, by scheduling it. Yes, I have a planner that helps me make better use of my time; whenever I write down when I plan to indulge in “Me-time”, it makes it more important to me and subconsciously I start looking forward to doing it. Whether it’s for the needed rest or the feeling of accomplishment I get from completing another item off of my list, it works out to my benefit either way.

Open up fully to the experience– While spending time with yourself, don’t be afraid to let your mind wander. Don’t redirect your thoughts and don’t stop their flow, by trying to make sense of it or by piecing together how each thought interrelates with the other. Sometimes the answers you need arrive unexpectedly when you don’t see them coming, as the thoughts preceding them don’t seem to have any correlation at first. As was in my case, the dots only connected themselves after the fact. I didn’t see the forest for what it was until I got out of it.

Let your mind wander– This is where the magic happens. It can be both fun and revealing. I have learned to stop redirecting my thoughts and interrupting this process whenever something unpleasant came up. It might take a few times of going through this process to allow this “go with the flow” habit to build; but it is well worth it, once you’ve grown into being comfortable with being uncomfortable, you’ll be unstoppable.

Allow yourself to get to the “bottom” of your feelings- At this point, anything can come up to the surface. When your insecurities rise and your childhood traumas surface, face them head-on, tell yourself how much you love yourself, and feel those feelings. When it’s painful, breathe through it, cry, let the tears fall, and keep your resolve. I can personally attest, that my most painful moments, gave me the most clarity and self-awareness. Those two gifts are immeasurable because the most progressive and effective people have a high level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness.

Be kind to yourself- How you do anything, is how you do everything. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Take this time to tell yourself what you like about yourself, what you love about yourself, and what you’re going to improve. Words can make or break you, they are that powerful. Please be gentle with yourself and use your words for your benefit.

See this as much needed bonding session with yourself– Speak words of affirmation, have catchy and easy-to-remember uplifting mantras, talk positively about all the things you want to manifest. Words are powerful and the universe is always listening. Tell it what you want to happen for you, not what you don’t. It’s on your side, but it doesn’t know what is beneficial or detrimental for you. It only knows what you’re constantly saying to yourself.

Take this a step further and name three things you love about yourself, and recite them to yourself while taking a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Say it while studying you’re facial features, look directly into your eyes and repeat these mantras until you are done. Focusing on other things momentarily helps cement these mantras into your subconscious mind, allowing them to take hold of you and manifest quicker. The universe is on your side. Tell it exactly how you want it to help you.

Once I started seeing the value behind how I go about my self-care routine, not only have I made it a priority, I have merged it with the other positive habits I have started building. I’ve indulged in reading self-help personal development books and would apply every new thing I’ve learned right away, so I wouldn’t forget it. Doing this has opened my definition of what self-care is, to be more inclusive of things that you do, that bring you joy, in and out of your spa days. I now believe that self-care can range anywhere from a seemingly mundane relaxing bath, enjoying a good book, to something more extravagant like visiting the spa, traveling to different countries, and trying new activities.

So if you’re still on the fence about how to start your self-care journey, I encourage you to begin today, by doing something that puts you at ease. Something that allows you to relax and takes the pressure of life off your mind. Whether that’s reading a book, knitting, watching a movie, or cooking your favorite meal, jump into this journey head-first and see where it takes you.